butterflies

i had always felt that i have lost my capacity to love, and even my right to love. you would know why.

and all these happened so fast. like, out of nowhere. such that i don't blame her for being afraid to commit to anything as of now. i'm afraid too. of so many things. one of which is that the 'she' that i often write about would now refer to a different person. i thought i had easily let go. and indeed i lived as though everything never happened. yet as i had realised, one's past always sits quietly in one corner of one's mind until that moment when one is down and alone and vulnerable when it decides to come out of hiding.

my birthday just passed recently. many things happened around that day, which made me re-think my actions and beliefs. i always thought that anything can be sorted out as long as there is communication. however, i guess it requires a willingness to communicate on both parts. that is, regardless of which party is in the wrong. and i felt so bad inside for disappointing somebody that i care about. like, actually we can find a thousand excuses, however convincing they sound even to ourselves, to revert back to our old habits. while likewise, we can also find a thousand reasons for change. i hope to change. now that i have found the motivation.

motivation

i feel like i really need some motivation now. managed to accomplish quite a few things lately. one being my driving test. it had dragged on for far too long, and getting it done and over with felt really wonderful. the feeling that one's effort over all these months having finally paid off. even beats the actual achievement itself. yet strangely now it feels as if i have been burnt out of all my motivation. which is badly needed for my studies.

and i am really going to cut down on that one vice. even though nobody around me seems to believe my determination to do it anymore. and sometimes i am starting to doubt it as well. but it feels like a good time and opportunity to give it up once and for all.

back for now

after a long hiatus, i'm finally back here. some things are better written here than told to others, i guess.

first semester was a disaster. not unexpected, but still, i would have liked for my luck to tide me through yet again. but it didn't. this semester feels like a new start. so many more commitments, some of which i had never imagined myself in. i wonder would these somehow motivate me to be more consistent in my academics. guess i would have to make things work one way or another.

and on a sidenote, i never wanted something so badly. i don't know why either. in the distant past, i never had any. and it has always made me doubt myself. am i too inadequate. then out of nowhere, things happened and i was blown away. quite. things were somewhat easier than i had always imagined, and that gave me that little bit of confidence which i never really had before. and bam, i am now in university and it feels as if i am back to square one. been trying to sum up all my previous failures and, if i can call them that, successes. hopefully something good will come out of this. because, i seriously have no idea why, but i really want it. and that's strange.

all being said for now. and it still feels good being back here. writing down my thoughts.