true

Expectations are necessary. However, over-expectations and unrealistic expectations are not healthy. This issue will be the main gist of my post today.

Ever since that weekend where you made those comments regarding my lack of drive and direction, I just could not stop thinking about it. As I have repeated many times over, just because I am not exhibiting these to you does not mean that they are non-existent. Primarily, this is due to a difference in values. I will be very frank here. I do not believe in openly declaring my plans, as I am somewhat afraid of falling short, and being judged on it. This is particularly reaffirmed by your persistent display of expectations for me, or rather for this idealistic significant other to share an idealistic lifestyle with. In fact, through the resurfacing of this issue despite the false belief that things have been clarified, it has led me to feel less and less appreciated as an individual. I have to state that this is merely the impression that I have gathered from our discussions, and you have the right in maintaining your position.

I will not begin criticizing your beliefs and your expectations. I respect you and your right in setting these standards. On the other hand, I hope to bring forth the point that your comments did inflict quite an amount of hurt. I understand that my actions had ignited the incident, and you may explain that you did not mean the comments you made. Yet, I feel that other factors aside, your words did clearly express your attitude. Yes, you come from a background where it is expected for you to find a significant other of comparable status - in terms of education level, as you mentioned. If I remember accurately, you also mentioned that while you have these clear goals, such as going on a certain career path, or attaining a particular position in your field, I do not seem to have such aspirations. I will put my stance across very clearly now, in a bid to reduce future conflicts over the same issue:

As of today, I have no interest in taking up anymore further degrees, immediately after graduation from my course. In the long run, however, I have planned to work for the minimum required number of years, then take up a MBA to broaden my skill set and career horizon. For the time being, my plans include obtaining a useful Industrial Attachment position - which I have now successfully secured - and if possible, take up a Summer Internship programme. However, you have to understand that it is not the norm for companies in the engineering industry to even offer such opportunities in the first place. Rest assured though, that I have been keeping a lookout for any chances, as I have briefed you along the way. As for my career path, I will speak on a personal basis. I have not seen enough of the industry to know for certain which specialization I will be going into, or what type of work I will be doing. I believe that I will get a better picture post-IA, and after another two years of curricular exposure. For now, I feel that my interest is more towards the dynamic side of the industry, as opposed to pure research, or pure engineering. This is unlike your situation, where you will almost certainly be entering the workforce as an accountant. I do not see any problem in that though, since I will be having a wider perspective, and a more diverse training through these two years. As for an ultimate goal, my aspiration is unlike your wishes to become a CFO. I would prefer to get into a high management position eventually. However my ultimate goal is not to remain in the industry, but rather to be an entrepreneur of some sort, or at least to juggle that with a high-paying management position.

I will now give some honest feedback on how I feel towards some of the comments you made, and the beliefs that they stand for.

If you are looking for paper qualifications, and you are going on to do your further degree immediately after graduation, I regret to inform you that I will not have any comparable one. Not until I obtain my MBA. If you are looking for career aspirations, job security, or salary, I have did the best I could to quantify my situation. Engineering is very different from the finance sector, and I do not expect you to accept it totally, but perhaps you can try to recognize and reconcile this disparity. Salary-wise, if you really wish to make the comparison, a good engineering position could actually fetch more than your measly-paying first few years as an accountant. Some other points have already been mentioned earlier, and I shall not repeat them here. On a more personal note, I clearly remember trying to tell you that, perhaps due to my family and my middle-class background, we have no misgivings of this sort towards you - and you mentioning, in essence  that perhaps it is because you are already above our expectations, and in other ways such as emotionally, you are not able to commit as much now. I sincerely hope that this does not reflect your values, because otherwise I feel that you have failed as a person. We do not impose our standards and expectations on you, because we respect you and accept you for who you are. If we were to adopt your values, there is actually much to talk about. I do not wish to discuss further on this topic though.

Finally, I would like to invite you to take a second look at yourself, and maybe decide what do you really want? Face up to your intrinsic values and be frank about them. There is no in-between or uncertainty. If you indeed feel that I am not up to your standards of being the idealistic significant other or if you foresee that you would not be living the idealistic lifestyle with me, I would not want to debate over the issue anymore, and we can break things off. I have no wishes to be with someone who constantly feels that I am inadequate either. With your immense potential and abilities, you would certainly be able to find a matching partner. If you feel otherwise, perhaps it is time to be more accepting of others - especially somebody that you claim to love. I will also be able to put this incident behind us, once and for all.

dry

i do not comprehend how you can be so selfish when it comes to a relationship. when you can be giving much more than you are capable of in other commitments. i would define one's capability as the maximum capacity that one can be outputting healthily without forsaking other things in life. is it not so? for instance, if one is giving one's all into one's career, but neglecting other things such as one's family, then it could be thought of as having exceed one's capability. of course, this is very subjective. but i personally feel that a measure of capability needs to factor in considerations of a balance in life. this is as opposed to some exceedingly 'driven' individuals' beliefs of realizing one's true potentials in particular areas, at the expense of the other aspects of life.

i do not expect you to understand or share my view. however, please exercise some discretion in your choices. i am fairly flexible with subverting some of my personal values to make things more comfortable for you. please just take notice of those efforts and do not limitlessly deplete our relationship. the bare minimum you can do is to take good care of yourself. from our previous conversations, i believe you more or less having some common understanding towards our relationship, and the degree of compromise i am willing to make until you are ready to and comfortable with contributing together towards it. the bottom line is that: i would do my best to keep us going; please help me, and take good care of yourself, to save me worry.

worthless

it is a sobering thought; how worthless a shared relationship is to you. through all the words you said. i could not help but laugh at myself.

a part of me died last night. will you save us? will you save me? will you
understand what i want? the remaining part of me does not dare to hope anymore.

2013 resolutions

my resolutions for this year are to:

1) speak more positively. refrain from negative or discouraging words
2) find a personal direction for the next few years to come. work towards it.
3) better control my anger and other negative emotions

finally, i am sorry for all the upset that i have caused in the past. i hope that through making myself a better person, i would eventually find the chance to make amendments for my mistakes.

seeing

ever since i have read what you wrote about losing interest in everything inclusive of our relationship, i have just been too disappointed to really say or do anything.

as far as i can tell, the side of me that you see does not differ too much from the side that others see. however i am not so sure about yours. at least you would not use that sort of tone and attitude if you ever get into a quarrel with someone else, which is unlikely given how conveniently thoughtful and forgiving you can be for others' mistakes but not mine. this makes me reconsider, what exactly is going on here? it could not be a single issue with me or you, so it would not be easy to isolate and to tackle. truth be told, i am getting quite weary now. i understand that you are doing what you can to accommodate me, and i hope that you can see that i am doing my part too. but through a series of events, i have somehow exhausted myself to the point that i have decided to just stop voicing out my opinions. maybe in the past i expressed it in the wrong way, which has caused much unhappiness, while not getting the idea across, which is probably why nothing much has changed also. it is inevitable however, because we have a different sense of what is important and what is less important. i have a lot more that i would like to say; i am thinking faster than i can type. but as i think, i re-think, and somehow a nasty sense of weariness just makes me rather reluctant to put down in words my feelings. as i have said before, i think i should just stomach any unhappiness, and respond only to the events that are worth being happy over.

i just miss the times when you regarded me with more respect, like some aspects of me truly impressed you. as the days go by, i could not help but be overcome with sadness when i sensed that some of that admiration has slipped away. i admit that i have much to improve in handling our relationship too, and while i have put in much effort, i have at times not treated you as well as you would have liked too. whatever you did not like about me, i did my best to change it; whatever you did not like that your ex-boyfriend did, i kept those in mind and refrained from them too. as a guy, it was saddening to feel the contrast, to feel so tiny in this relationship now.

but now i have seen. and i am seeing. and i am retreating, to protect our relationship. and also myself.

shush

i have made a new resolution that i will refrain myself from expressing negative emotions anymore. because nobody else considers it as appropriate, with or without reason. i will do my best to appreciate the positive moments and to see past the negative moments each day. should something upset me, i will stop reacting. regardless of whoever it is. because honestly nobody gives any care what others feel and consider as important. it is futile trying to change anybody else other than oneself. what good is it if one expresses unhappiness, and preach what one believes to be right? nothing much happens most of the time, in the form of positive effective actions; instead it just generates more unhappiness, without anything being solved. when there is something that contradicts one's beliefs, what is the best course of action to follow? i might have a few different answers for this if it were in the past, and i probably would have a different understanding in the future too. for now, it just seems that inaction is the best action. hence, i would not speak disapproval. i would feign ignorance towards what upsets me. with it, i would eliminate the sense of self-righteousness in times of conflict. should conflicts inevitably rise, i would just let it slip my mind so conveniently. i am not trying to be a greater or better person here, just someone who would be more agreeable. i am not a negative person by nature, but sadly, by nurture I have become so, as i see how helpless we are. we struggle to fulfill our naive hopes of an idealistic world against the tides of the harsh uncaring reality, as we cast out expectations and standards that not even ourselves can ever get close to, yet expecting others to abide by them. i am not an exception. and so, i shall just stop. just stop and keep quiet.

disappointment

who was it that has changed? all i can feel for us is disappointment now. it is hard to understand how you can claim to love me so deeply, yet have so little faith in what i can achieve, and have so little faith in what we can do together.

i used to be much like you, full of 'constructive' criticism, 'for your good'. it took me one failed relationship, many quarrels, many tears caused, and two years to realise my mistake. i have no wise opinions to offer you, except to always go one step further in thinking.

and i was just disappointed. that i have given you so little reason to believe in me. i am sorry, for you, and for your young mind still struggling to hang on to the ideals and imageries introduced to you since birth till now. this is not to deem you as incorrect, but i just hope that you see how ridiculously unfair it is.

yes, education and degrees would serve everyone good. no disputing that. yet have you considered the person's interests and capabilities? i shall refrain from anymore analogies since you appeared to have problems fully comprehending the meaning underneath the frequent deliberate exaggerations. i shall not carry on to defend my perspectives, because it does not matter anymore. i just hope for you to understand it someday.

lastly, i am as i am. i personally feel that i have matured and changed much from my past self. it was a willing change, for the better. if you still hold on to the belief that an immediate higher degree is superior to the person that you love, even if he promises to take up such a degree in the future if necessary, perhaps it really is time to end it all. i have always fought to keep us together, despite what i might say sometimes, because i feel it would be a true regret if we split ways prematurely over insubstantial reasons. i am willing to wait a couple of years more though. the choice is yours.

simple

it's very simple. you can do whatever you want, given that you take the basic initiative to keep me updated. yet time and again you prove to be incapable of it. even after a reminder. you want the freedom to go and have fun with your friends, then you have it. but apparently it is too much to ask from you to be accountable, while having fun. i have always held firmly the belief that it is utter nonsense that one cannot take a single minute off one's time to be accountable, and hence responsible. before you may want to rebut, do think it over; surely one could have found the minimal time and effort, unless one was fully preoccupied the entire time, every single second. and by that it is commonsensical to read it as one was talking, or commuting, or handling other sorts of busyness, nonstop for the entirety of the timeframe over the few hours.

if this is the same standard that you are alright with receiving, then very well, your wish will be granted.

burnt out

i am feeling very tired all of a sudden. like, nothing is actually going wrong. neither you nor i have changed. but i just feel so exhausted.

good

i don't know exactly what happened. but the past 3 weeks could have been the best three weeks of my life so far. had more fun than i did in the past year. and now i guess i have found that motivation again. to become better as a person. and although i have been messing up my life a little, by missing the bursary application date and missing my quiz, i believe somehow things will work themselves out like they always do. i guess all i have to do now is to fulfil my part by planning ahead a little, studying much more, and to love and treasure her with my all.

square one

back to square one. now i am just the same old self again.

well, maybe except i am feeling a little more motivated towards myself. bought an instax camera. to capture the moments that may be gone soon enough. bought an iphone, like finally. bought myself a tiny terrarium. bought new spectacles. keeping a goatee, at least until i feel like shaving it clean off again. bought a skateboard. then now some hybrid between a skateboard and a longboard.

i guess i just want changes in my life. especially when i am feeling down. would be better to have some things else to keep the mind occupied. but actually, in the wee hours like now, nothing much works.

valentine's day

my twenty-third valentine's day. the second time that it meant something. the first was with my then girlfriend. this second one is with myself. i thought that i had found happiness, but no, happiness has not found me yet. do you know how much it hurts to see the people around you all smiling but there you are faking a smile. can someone make me happy please. well wait actually i found that someone. but too bad. too bad.

sometimes when i'm happy i like to drink. and usually when i'm sad, too. because chemically, alcohol liberates you. it amplifies whatever you are feeling. so if you are truly happy, you will laugh like never before. if you are sad, you will cry. if you are feigning happiness, you may still be able to fake that laughter, but after a few more rounds, it will show.

i'm tired. really really tired.

butterflies

i had always felt that i have lost my capacity to love, and even my right to love. you would know why.

and all these happened so fast. like, out of nowhere. such that i don't blame her for being afraid to commit to anything as of now. i'm afraid too. of so many things. one of which is that the 'she' that i often write about would now refer to a different person. i thought i had easily let go. and indeed i lived as though everything never happened. yet as i had realised, one's past always sits quietly in one corner of one's mind until that moment when one is down and alone and vulnerable when it decides to come out of hiding.

my birthday just passed recently. many things happened around that day, which made me re-think my actions and beliefs. i always thought that anything can be sorted out as long as there is communication. however, i guess it requires a willingness to communicate on both parts. that is, regardless of which party is in the wrong. and i felt so bad inside for disappointing somebody that i care about. like, actually we can find a thousand excuses, however convincing they sound even to ourselves, to revert back to our old habits. while likewise, we can also find a thousand reasons for change. i hope to change. now that i have found the motivation.

motivation

i feel like i really need some motivation now. managed to accomplish quite a few things lately. one being my driving test. it had dragged on for far too long, and getting it done and over with felt really wonderful. the feeling that one's effort over all these months having finally paid off. even beats the actual achievement itself. yet strangely now it feels as if i have been burnt out of all my motivation. which is badly needed for my studies.

and i am really going to cut down on that one vice. even though nobody around me seems to believe my determination to do it anymore. and sometimes i am starting to doubt it as well. but it feels like a good time and opportunity to give it up once and for all.

back for now

after a long hiatus, i'm finally back here. some things are better written here than told to others, i guess.

first semester was a disaster. not unexpected, but still, i would have liked for my luck to tide me through yet again. but it didn't. this semester feels like a new start. so many more commitments, some of which i had never imagined myself in. i wonder would these somehow motivate me to be more consistent in my academics. guess i would have to make things work one way or another.

and on a sidenote, i never wanted something so badly. i don't know why either. in the distant past, i never had any. and it has always made me doubt myself. am i too inadequate. then out of nowhere, things happened and i was blown away. quite. things were somewhat easier than i had always imagined, and that gave me that little bit of confidence which i never really had before. and bam, i am now in university and it feels as if i am back to square one. been trying to sum up all my previous failures and, if i can call them that, successes. hopefully something good will come out of this. because, i seriously have no idea why, but i really want it. and that's strange.

all being said for now. and it still feels good being back here. writing down my thoughts.

lessons learnt

from now on, as long as blogger lives on, i swear to never erase any entries again. did it once before. and immature as the previous entries were, they still had their purpose of existence.

i left her, last month, and this time i guess it is for good. it was not meant to work out from the beginning. we made it work for the past one and a half years, but i am not sure if i can go on forever.

the good times were good. i enjoy making my loved ones happy, and enjoy seeing you happy. i like how easy it is to make you happy, when you could be made happy, maybe it was because you loved me. i dislike how i could not make you happy, when you are filled with anger towards other things. come to think of it, i am the same too, isn't it? maybe that is what scares me the most. you also said before, about us being two people with equally bad temper. we tried to accomodate to each other, but wasn't it hard? i don't wish to rake up the past anymore either. it has passed and i think we should just make the best of our lives from now on. so that everything would have been worth it, right? these days, when sometimes i really feel down, i did have the thought of going back to you. but rationally, i know even if you do take me back, it would never be fair to you. and moreover if somehow we work out again, you would only feel more uneasy, trying to anticipate when the next breakup is coming again, even if it might not be true. like you had text-ed me, pretending that everything was fine, we could well sit down and talk about the old times like old friends someday. i hope for that day to come eventually.

long break

oops. before i knew it, i've taken too long a break from this place. and looking back now, some things that could have been worth writing about, just seem too trivial or too much a thing of the past. that is just how things work i guess. what once seemed important may just one day lose its significance with time. and it may not even be anybody's fault. it just happened.

these few weeks, i am having a bit of a situation with myself. guess i am kind of lost. should i leave or should i stay? which would be best for me and for her? i don't know. i don't know how it would end, but i hope it would go down the path where we would regret it the least. guess that is part and parcel of life too. at a crossroad where you have got to choose, should you go left or go right? nobody knows. you can't see any further than your eyes can or that your mind can imagine. are you absolutely sure that you want to head down this way? now you don't know and you're confused. well all you can do is go the way that seems right at that point in time. and further down you may have a u-turn, a de-tour, or a dead end. your best bet is to keep moving and keep telling yourself that yes, this is the right way.

untitled

after one year with her, it feels as though i have gone through everything there is to a relationship. the joys, uncertainties, doubts, insecurities, promises, frights, fights, time-outs, slammed phones, screaming, patch-up's, debates, surprises, misunderstandings, giving in, cuddles, kisses, hugs, tears, worries, and much much more that i can't put into words for now. it feels as though time has passed too fast, yet as though we had spent forever with each other.

i am not a good person. i'm often angry, selfish, scheming, hypocritical, crude, pessimistic. and i am not proud of it. i don't think anyone was born like that, it is just an acquired condition. if i could, i would be a nice generous loving naive person. but i can't because i had enough of being lousy and weak and made use of. i don't know how someone can fall in love with the real me. or the fake me. i don't know which i am anymore. but to my girl i know i am both. sorry for putting you through all that. and you will be my girl, regardless of your looks your shape your wealth your health your age your whatever. i don't know how, but no matter what comes i will make things work out. of course it would help that you help me with it all too.

i can't promise you forever. you are well aware that promises are no good. but do you know that i love you beyond anything you and i will ever comprehend. many times you have asked me why, and i really don't know. i really don't know. it is not a rational decision. it is not something that can be explained. to be frank sometimes people have asked me why too, and i still don't know. there is no why, you know. there is only this truth that i did and i do and i will love you. that you must keep in mind no matter what happens. whether or not we would be together till the day we die, bear this in mind. because you have to know that this heart of mine would be back to you irregardless. it is something that would always be yours no matter how many slim slender legs perfectly shaped bosoms firm round bottoms flawless pretty faces or even angelic-personality girls. even if they are dumb enough to fall for this lousy man of yours, you shall know that i'm yours.

enough

i fucking had enough. don't you have the basic common sense to be responsible towards others?

when you were enjoying yourself in korea, i waited every night for anything from you. you went missing after the first round of messages, and your pathetically short facebook message. i understand that there wasn't wi-fi anywhere, but you fucking had the phone, how much of the battery charge would u waste just to drop me one short message to tell me to stop waiting?

each time you come late to a date, do you ever realise how disrespectful it is? i made my effort to come on time, and you could be uncontactable for an entire hour. have i not told you many many times, tell me if you are going to be late. is it very difficult to comprehend? you say you were rushing? what fucking bullshit is that? do you not have ten seconds on the bus, on the train, while waiting for the transport, on the escalator, to send just one short message to save me from waiting like an idiot?

when you go out with your friends or cousins or whoever, i don't expect you to keep messaging me or what. i have told you a million fucking time. if up till now you still have this misconception then i doubt that you have actually ever listened to me. to listen, not to hear. but is it not common sense that if you have spent the whole fucking day with them, then do me a little favour and entertain me when i call to just talk to you for a few minutes? is that too fucking much to ask for? is that? it is not that i am jealous of them, your friends or cousins, you can well go spend the fucking rest of your every day with them, but please can't you be there when i want to talk to you for a while?

why am i always the last to find out? whether you're going out with your beloved friends or dear cousins, do i have to see it from facebook before you decide to tell me, when i have already planned my 48 hours worth of free time per week to accompany you. is my time not as precious as yours?

you say that i lose my temper at you. it is true, i am wrong for that. but then can you understand my frustration at your insensitivity? breaking up is not the solution, just the easy way out. i am sorry that i blurted it out in anger. i know that it is no good saying sorry only after each time i do something wrong. am i having overtly high expectations, or just that you don't have the minimal expectation for self conduct? i am writing nonsense now. i am in the wrong. i should not try to change you.

2010 resolutions

1. cut down on smoking. light up only when necessary
2. start saving. maintain $500 bank balance, by april. minimum $1000 by end of year
3. get driving license by end of year
4. find extra income if possible. begin plans for online business by march
5. listen more, speak less. always think before speaking
6. do one good deed each day
7. tidy and maintain my room at least once every two weeks
8. keep a healthy diet. minimum binge drinking, junk food. more greens, fruits, plain water

that's all for now. may edit this when i think of more.

useless

anger and all the forms of rage are engulfing me. vengeance is all that is filling my mind at this time. when fate befalls him, he would no longer see the light of day. he would not hear the sounds of our world. nor be able to speak his vile words. his filthy hands would not touch. his legs would not walk this earth. and his seeds would never be spread.

i don't know. my head hurts. feels like it is imploding because of the throbbing at the sides. but inside it feels like it is going to blow up anytime.

two months

i have not been here for three months plus. so many things happened. no way that i'm going to list down everything. this is not a place for stories. but, anyway, all that has happened just led to me becoming better and ultimately happier.

come to think of it, i never thought i would fall in love again. not within these two years at least. yet things changed. and i am thankful for it. and i can't be the best and most deserving one to love you, but these i will try my hardest to always do; to give you my best love, and to be always improving further. we will have our lapses, moments of uncertainties, frustrations, maybe even anger. i can only promise to do my very best. if ever i slipped, or you feel that i have crossed the line, please don't shut me out right away. think of what we had, what we have, and what we will have; think of who we were, and who we are now, and how far we have come to change for the better. that would be all i ask for.

the new year asks for another round of new year aspirations. i will write them later when i feel like it.

name

now i'm randy. and it means 'horny' in british slang. how cool is that.

bad

sometimes i really can't tell who i really am. i try to be the nice person. but the ugly tail keeps showing. and i suspect it could be the real me underneath the mantle. in all my twenty years of life i was a good mommy's boy. but it's too bad that i have some decaying morals.

and it sucks when you have to play by others' rules. why is it that i have to keep people around me happy and all, when they don't give a shit about how i feel? how many of my friends are really friends? or am i just another person for them to make use of? then kick me aside when they're done.

it feels good when you drown yourself out. then you're numb and can't feel a thing. no pain, no tire, no worries. even when the whole world hates you, you don't have to care. but that is so pathetic. i guess that's why some people would then breakdown and cry. when they realise how fucked up their lives are.

and i just realised i'm quite fucked up too. my life is so empty. it might have been slightly better if at least my wallet isn't so empty as well.

bad mood

i used to think that i am in control. but i am not. i bottle up the stuff i want to say and the frustrations i feel each day, and it feels so awful inside like it's going to explode.

it is very sickening to be where i am. treated as inferior to the others, watched as i take each and every step. maybe everyone else is in such shit too. maybe that's why the world is ill, and its people sick.

seriously i've had fucking enough. next time anyone else messes with me he'll get one warning and if he speaks one word more he can taste some knuckles.

future

along the way i think i have lost my direction. i was never the kind who had a plan. i survived thus far without ever stopping to think over what i really want. even when i tried, it was more of a master plan of life that i am expected to live. but is that really what i wish for myself? it's hard to say now.

i once thought that i would plough through school, earn a degree and maybe a girlfriend at the same time, then secure an office job, get married by thirty years old, have two sons, blah blah. so typical. would it happen? it's difficult to imagine. now i can't even know for sure whether my tertiery education would work out. i mean, it is good enough for me, but is it good enough for the others? it's so hard to live with all these expectations. i've written something similar to this before. yet until now, i have not learnt how to live with it. shame on me.

reboot

i think this is the second time that i'm deleting all the posts and starting anew.

somewhere along the way, this blog has lost its meaning. a blog should be like a diary. no obligations to write anything, nor any restrictions. day to day life already has too much of these.