enough

i fucking had enough. don't you have the basic common sense to be responsible towards others?

when you were enjoying yourself in korea, i waited every night for anything from you. you went missing after the first round of messages, and your pathetically short facebook message. i understand that there wasn't wi-fi anywhere, but you fucking had the phone, how much of the battery charge would u waste just to drop me one short message to tell me to stop waiting?

each time you come late to a date, do you ever realise how disrespectful it is? i made my effort to come on time, and you could be uncontactable for an entire hour. have i not told you many many times, tell me if you are going to be late. is it very difficult to comprehend? you say you were rushing? what fucking bullshit is that? do you not have ten seconds on the bus, on the train, while waiting for the transport, on the escalator, to send just one short message to save me from waiting like an idiot?

when you go out with your friends or cousins or whoever, i don't expect you to keep messaging me or what. i have told you a million fucking time. if up till now you still have this misconception then i doubt that you have actually ever listened to me. to listen, not to hear. but is it not common sense that if you have spent the whole fucking day with them, then do me a little favour and entertain me when i call to just talk to you for a few minutes? is that too fucking much to ask for? is that? it is not that i am jealous of them, your friends or cousins, you can well go spend the fucking rest of your every day with them, but please can't you be there when i want to talk to you for a while?

why am i always the last to find out? whether you're going out with your beloved friends or dear cousins, do i have to see it from facebook before you decide to tell me, when i have already planned my 48 hours worth of free time per week to accompany you. is my time not as precious as yours?

you say that i lose my temper at you. it is true, i am wrong for that. but then can you understand my frustration at your insensitivity? breaking up is not the solution, just the easy way out. i am sorry that i blurted it out in anger. i know that it is no good saying sorry only after each time i do something wrong. am i having overtly high expectations, or just that you don't have the minimal expectation for self conduct? i am writing nonsense now. i am in the wrong. i should not try to change you.

2010 resolutions

1. cut down on smoking. light up only when necessary
2. start saving. maintain $500 bank balance, by april. minimum $1000 by end of year
3. get driving license by end of year
4. find extra income if possible. begin plans for online business by march
5. listen more, speak less. always think before speaking
6. do one good deed each day
7. tidy and maintain my room at least once every two weeks
8. keep a healthy diet. minimum binge drinking, junk food. more greens, fruits, plain water

that's all for now. may edit this when i think of more.

useless

anger and all the forms of rage are engulfing me. vengeance is all that is filling my mind at this time. when fate befalls him, he would no longer see the light of day. he would not hear the sounds of our world. nor be able to speak his vile words. his filthy hands would not touch. his legs would not walk this earth. and his seeds would never be spread.

i don't know. my head hurts. feels like it is imploding because of the throbbing at the sides. but inside it feels like it is going to blow up anytime.

two months

i have not been here for three months plus. so many things happened. no way that i'm going to list down everything. this is not a place for stories. but, anyway, all that has happened just led to me becoming better and ultimately happier.

come to think of it, i never thought i would fall in love again. not within these two years at least. yet things changed. and i am thankful for it. and i can't be the best and most deserving one to love you, but these i will try my hardest to always do; to give you my best love, and to be always improving further. we will have our lapses, moments of uncertainties, frustrations, maybe even anger. i can only promise to do my very best. if ever i slipped, or you feel that i have crossed the line, please don't shut me out right away. think of what we had, what we have, and what we will have; think of who we were, and who we are now, and how far we have come to change for the better. that would be all i ask for.

the new year asks for another round of new year aspirations. i will write them later when i feel like it.

name

now i'm randy. and it means 'horny' in british slang. how cool is that.

bad

sometimes i really can't tell who i really am. i try to be the nice person. but the ugly tail keeps showing. and i suspect it could be the real me underneath the mantle. in all my twenty years of life i was a good mommy's boy. but it's too bad that i have some decaying morals.

and it sucks when you have to play by others' rules. why is it that i have to keep people around me happy and all, when they don't give a shit about how i feel? how many of my friends are really friends? or am i just another person for them to make use of? then kick me aside when they're done.

it feels good when you drown yourself out. then you're numb and can't feel a thing. no pain, no tire, no worries. even when the whole world hates you, you don't have to care. but that is so pathetic. i guess that's why some people would then breakdown and cry. when they realise how fucked up their lives are.

and i just realised i'm quite fucked up too. my life is so empty. it might have been slightly better if at least my wallet isn't so empty as well.

bad mood

i used to think that i am in control. but i am not. i bottle up the stuff i want to say and the frustrations i feel each day, and it feels so awful inside like it's going to explode.

it is very sickening to be where i am. treated as inferior to the others, watched as i take each and every step. maybe everyone else is in such shit too. maybe that's why the world is ill, and its people sick.

seriously i've had fucking enough. next time anyone else messes with me he'll get one warning and if he speaks one word more he can taste some knuckles.

future

along the way i think i have lost my direction. i was never the kind who had a plan. i survived thus far without ever stopping to think over what i really want. even when i tried, it was more of a master plan of life that i am expected to live. but is that really what i wish for myself? it's hard to say now.

i once thought that i would plough through school, earn a degree and maybe a girlfriend at the same time, then secure an office job, get married by thirty years old, have two sons, blah blah. so typical. would it happen? it's difficult to imagine. now i can't even know for sure whether my tertiery education would work out. i mean, it is good enough for me, but is it good enough for the others? it's so hard to live with all these expectations. i've written something similar to this before. yet until now, i have not learnt how to live with it. shame on me.

reboot

i think this is the second time that i'm deleting all the posts and starting anew.

somewhere along the way, this blog has lost its meaning. a blog should be like a diary. no obligations to write anything, nor any restrictions. day to day life already has too much of these.