2013 resolutions

my resolutions for this year are to:

1) speak more positively. refrain from negative or discouraging words
2) find a personal direction for the next few years to come. work towards it.
3) better control my anger and other negative emotions

finally, i am sorry for all the upset that i have caused in the past. i hope that through making myself a better person, i would eventually find the chance to make amendments for my mistakes.

seeing

ever since i have read what you wrote about losing interest in everything inclusive of our relationship, i have just been too disappointed to really say or do anything.

as far as i can tell, the side of me that you see does not differ too much from the side that others see. however i am not so sure about yours. at least you would not use that sort of tone and attitude if you ever get into a quarrel with someone else, which is unlikely given how conveniently thoughtful and forgiving you can be for others' mistakes but not mine. this makes me reconsider, what exactly is going on here? it could not be a single issue with me or you, so it would not be easy to isolate and to tackle. truth be told, i am getting quite weary now. i understand that you are doing what you can to accommodate me, and i hope that you can see that i am doing my part too. but through a series of events, i have somehow exhausted myself to the point that i have decided to just stop voicing out my opinions. maybe in the past i expressed it in the wrong way, which has caused much unhappiness, while not getting the idea across, which is probably why nothing much has changed also. it is inevitable however, because we have a different sense of what is important and what is less important. i have a lot more that i would like to say; i am thinking faster than i can type. but as i think, i re-think, and somehow a nasty sense of weariness just makes me rather reluctant to put down in words my feelings. as i have said before, i think i should just stomach any unhappiness, and respond only to the events that are worth being happy over.

i just miss the times when you regarded me with more respect, like some aspects of me truly impressed you. as the days go by, i could not help but be overcome with sadness when i sensed that some of that admiration has slipped away. i admit that i have much to improve in handling our relationship too, and while i have put in much effort, i have at times not treated you as well as you would have liked too. whatever you did not like about me, i did my best to change it; whatever you did not like that your ex-boyfriend did, i kept those in mind and refrained from them too. as a guy, it was saddening to feel the contrast, to feel so tiny in this relationship now.

but now i have seen. and i am seeing. and i am retreating, to protect our relationship. and also myself.

shush

i have made a new resolution that i will refrain myself from expressing negative emotions anymore. because nobody else considers it as appropriate, with or without reason. i will do my best to appreciate the positive moments and to see past the negative moments each day. should something upset me, i will stop reacting. regardless of whoever it is. because honestly nobody gives any care what others feel and consider as important. it is futile trying to change anybody else other than oneself. what good is it if one expresses unhappiness, and preach what one believes to be right? nothing much happens most of the time, in the form of positive effective actions; instead it just generates more unhappiness, without anything being solved. when there is something that contradicts one's beliefs, what is the best course of action to follow? i might have a few different answers for this if it were in the past, and i probably would have a different understanding in the future too. for now, it just seems that inaction is the best action. hence, i would not speak disapproval. i would feign ignorance towards what upsets me. with it, i would eliminate the sense of self-righteousness in times of conflict. should conflicts inevitably rise, i would just let it slip my mind so conveniently. i am not trying to be a greater or better person here, just someone who would be more agreeable. i am not a negative person by nature, but sadly, by nurture I have become so, as i see how helpless we are. we struggle to fulfill our naive hopes of an idealistic world against the tides of the harsh uncaring reality, as we cast out expectations and standards that not even ourselves can ever get close to, yet expecting others to abide by them. i am not an exception. and so, i shall just stop. just stop and keep quiet.

disappointment

who was it that has changed? all i can feel for us is disappointment now. it is hard to understand how you can claim to love me so deeply, yet have so little faith in what i can achieve, and have so little faith in what we can do together.

i used to be much like you, full of 'constructive' criticism, 'for your good'. it took me one failed relationship, many quarrels, many tears caused, and two years to realise my mistake. i have no wise opinions to offer you, except to always go one step further in thinking.

and i was just disappointed. that i have given you so little reason to believe in me. i am sorry, for you, and for your young mind still struggling to hang on to the ideals and imageries introduced to you since birth till now. this is not to deem you as incorrect, but i just hope that you see how ridiculously unfair it is.

yes, education and degrees would serve everyone good. no disputing that. yet have you considered the person's interests and capabilities? i shall refrain from anymore analogies since you appeared to have problems fully comprehending the meaning underneath the frequent deliberate exaggerations. i shall not carry on to defend my perspectives, because it does not matter anymore. i just hope for you to understand it someday.

lastly, i am as i am. i personally feel that i have matured and changed much from my past self. it was a willing change, for the better. if you still hold on to the belief that an immediate higher degree is superior to the person that you love, even if he promises to take up such a degree in the future if necessary, perhaps it really is time to end it all. i have always fought to keep us together, despite what i might say sometimes, because i feel it would be a true regret if we split ways prematurely over insubstantial reasons. i am willing to wait a couple of years more though. the choice is yours.